Packin' It In Provo

Dear Sarah,
I have lost all of my motivation to try to be a fit and productive member of society. I love a nice warm chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven and dripping with gooey chocolatety goodness, is this wrong? And if it IS wrong do you have any great get fit and motivated tips on living a wonderful life??? Just wondering.
- Packin' it on in Provo


Dear Packin' It On,
Eating handfuls of raw cookie dough: Good
Having thighs the consistency of raw cookie dough: Bad

Being comfortable with your body: Good
Being comfortable with your body limiting your enjoyment of life: Bad

Relaxing into a pint of Ben & Jerry's when you're stressed: Good
Relaxing into a pint of Ben & Jerry's for breakfast: Bad

From one lover of sweets to the other, I suggest you make sure your cravings for treats doesn't stem from some other emotional malady. If you can be huge and happy, long live Krispy Kreme. But if you can't seem to find happiness no matter how many warm cookies you slide down your throat, I'd kick the habit. I spent years perfectly happy in a double digit pants size. Then one day I realized I wanted to be a mountain biker and the weight slid off on the trails. You will know when you've gone too far. Just remember to put your happiness first, then the sweets.

Plain Pain in Plano

Dear Sarah,
For the last seven years I'd been living with the three most beautiful, feminine, over-the-top girlie-sh daughters of mine. Being a highly convinced Mom that you can never be over-dressed or over-accessorized as a female, my house is a pure replica of Disney's princesses world, Barbie's paraphernalia of every kind, and of course, there's an endless pink/purple-colored wardrobe to corroborate our gender... Said that, ten months ago I got my very own boy, and I'm very excited for the big (and disturbingly different) change. But I also got the scare of my life!

Tell me, PLEASE, dear Sarah, how can I raise a mainly MANLY prince without being spoiled/tainted by so many princessey sisters, and for that matter, have him survive our very pink-ish environment?

Thanks a lot, for your wise and experienced advice.

Your grateful advisee, Plain Pain in Plano


Dear Plain Pain,
Have no fear, your pink palace will soon be under siege. Expect mauled Barbie dolls, shattered tea sets - your little boy will soon be the dastardly, manly villain of the castle. Of course, you could encourage a tamer route of creating a "Prince" and festoon him with knightly swords and other manly accouterments so he would complement, not conflict with your sweet trio of Princesses. However, as someone who grew up with only two brothers in a sea of 7 sisters, I have to tell you there will be some tragic moments.

My younger brother came to me when he was 8 or 9 and sweetly asked me if I thought it was time he started shaving his legs. My older brother has been known to randomly paint his fingernails, wear flamboyant scarves and break into spontaneous, sexy dance. The only thing that seemed to lift the crush of womanly influence in my home was organized sports, boy scouts, encouraging fights at school and letting them roam around the house in their nasty underwear. One of my most vivid memories of childhood was when my little brother Johnny finally got big enough to beat me up after years of me beating on him. When I went to my mom to complain, her response was a gleeful, "Get her, John!" I expect you'll have a similar triumphal parenting moment in the future.

Desparing in the Desert

Dear Sarah,
My college students think that they all deserve A's, when a lot of them can't form a coherent sentence. What do I do?
- Despairing in the Desert

Dear Despairing,
What do you do? Why do you have to do anything? I can't stand whiny students and am so sorry you have to deal with them for your profession. If you are the type of teacher to entertain their complaints, they will continue pouring in fast and thick. I say nip it in the bud. Get one of those big red stamps custom made that says,"All Grades Are Final" to stamp on each paper for the rest of the semester. If you are really feeling snarky, get another one that says, "Go Back to Kindergarden." Of course, no teacher ever regretted buying a stamp that said, "They Don't Pay Me Enough..."

But if you are low on funds for custom made stamps, implement a gaming strategy. Anyone who contests their grade will have it raised if they have a valid complaint but they will be automatically failed if they are wrong. Another strategy would be to have one of their assignments graded by their classmates, everyone would have someone else's work to grade. If they are really such dunces, I'm sure their average grade would be far below the grades you give and you may end up looking like the compassionate saint of the bunch. But who are we kidding, just fail them all and let their parents wipe their snotty noses.

Crushed in Crosby

Dear Sarah,
Over a stretch of far too many months I was enamored with a young man, yet no application of roommate advice, no ploy of feminine wiles, nor courtly strategy encouraged the reciprocation of attention. It seemed that he was just not that interested in me, so I stopped seeking him out, and not just as an aforementioned tactic. My crush has long since been crushed, but recently he invited me on a date. We had a good time, and he promised to call later in the week. Its been a week and a day. Should I be worried, or should I use more conjunctions in this letter, or should I be concerned about these run-on sentences? What should I do, for I am most confused.
-Crushed in Crosby

Dear Crushed,
Men are simple creatures. From your wordy note I can tell that you are quite the opposite. I have a feeling this young man was initially overwhelmed by your onslaught of womanly tricks. Try calling him today and having a 30 second conversation using only two to three word sentences and see if this does not re-ignite his interest. Men don't need supplications for roommate advice, feminine wiles or courtly strategy. They need a gal who lets them watch football 3 days a week and laughs when they burp. Not unrelatedly, college football started up last week. Perhaps this explains why he has not yet called? My advice is to invest in a sports jersey and show up at his house at kickoff today with a six-pack and buffalo wings. Your crush will undoubtedly fall helplessly into your open arms.

Unsatisfied In Utah

Dear Sarah,
My husband has a difficult time remembering anything I ask him to do. While he's otherwise a sweet, considerate guy, this particular failing drives me up the wall! Is there any way I can change this one little thing about him so that I can be the proud owner of the elusive perfect husband?
-Unsatisfied in Utah

Dear Unsatisfied,
Thankfully, there is no magic way to make a spouses do our bidding. If there was, all us women would be suckered into wearing hot pants and tube tops every day of our lives. You claim your husband has difficulty "remembering" your orders. I suggest the more likely scenario is that he purposely chooses to ignore them. I propose you implement a test to see which of us is correct. For a week straight order him to play golf every day after work. Then for the next week insist he run all your mindless errands after work. I have a feeling you'll find his forgetfulness is tellingly selective.

In pursuit of the the "elusive perfect husband," we often overlook the fact that we women are far from perfect ourselves. It seems only fair that our spouses be as failing-riddled as we are. I propose you set out on a new quest of becoming the owner of the attainable, good husband. You'll soon find yourself tripping over one.

Newleywed in Pasadena

Dear Sarah,
I just got married a few months ago to the love of my life. What advice can you give us for building a strong and happy marriage?
-Newlywed in Pasadena

Dear Newlywed,
Never let selfish pride enter a marriage. Be the first to offer a sincere apology no matter who's to blame. It doesn't matter what you apologize for (I'm sorry we had a fight, I'm sorry you are drooly kisser, I'm sorry I purposefully ran over your mother with my truck - twice), an apology of any sort quickly sets a relationship back on track. While it may end up that you are always the one apologizing after a fight, your persistent determination to take back your man no matter what transpires between you will seal him forever to you. Oh, and never go see any movie where Matt Damon takes off his shirt on a two story tall movie screen. That's just asking for trouble.

Hugs in Huntington

Dear Sarah,
My kid has really bad breath. Make it go away, please.
- Hugs in Huntington

Hi Hugs,
I've found if you ask your child to do any variety of useful household chores they will immediately go away. And by the way, it's not cool to call your kid "it."

Sick of Streaking in South Pasadena

Dear Sarah,
My son has been potty trained for a couple of months now. The problem is that now whenever he needs to go, he strips down naked. It is a battle trying to get him to put his clothes back on. He ends up running around naked for 30 or so minutes after each potty break. It becomes very embarrassing when everyone from the neighbor to the delivery man ends up seeing my naked toddler when they come to the door. Please help me find a way to teach him to keep his clothes on!
- Sick of Streaking in South Pasadena

Dear Streaky,
If you put bulky shoes with double knotted laces on your son after putting his pants on for the day, he will be unable to take his pants all the way off without your help. With his pants stuck at his ankles, he'll have no choice but to pull them back up again after bathroom breaks in order to walk again. After a few weeks of him consistently pulling his pants back up, try taking the shoes off and I think you'll find the habit sticks.

This was the only thing I found worked for my husband. Good luck!

Poser In Provo

Dear Sarah,
How to you add cool interfaces like this one to your blog? How do you get to be so witty and popular? How do you find time to give to your children when as a career blogger? Please impart wisdom, oh wise blogging God!
- Poser in Provo

Dear Poser,
First of all let me recommend you step away from the computer and take a deep breath. Now do as Stuart Smalley says and repeat after me, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." There! Now don't you feel better?

I happen to know and love your blog and wouldn't change a thing about it, but if you must, surf the internet and look at other blog designs and content. If you see an idea you like, figure out how to do it or email the web designer and supplicate them for the precious html. I begged the smooth internet form you filled out to email me off of Scribbit who has a phenomenal blog herself. I'm also a frequent visitor at htmlgoodies.com to learn basic website manipulation techniques.

Unfortunately, the level of my wittiness and traffic is inversely proportionate to the amount of time I spend with my children. So if you think I'm drop dead hysterical one day, then my kids probably spent the day locked in their bedroom screaming. And Poser, if you call me "oh wise blogging God" again I'm going to be sick all over my holy keyboard.

Princeton Princess

Dear Sarah,
Someone keeps hiding peas under my mattress! What do I do?
-Princeton Princess

Dear Princess,
I always say, "when life gives you peas, make pea juice." Or was it "make juice, please..." I can't quite remember. In either case, something must be juiced. I heartily recommend the Green Star Power Gold Juicer GS-3000. At only $439, this baby will have you hopping with anticipation by your mattress for your villain to bring these lumpy legumes to your bedchamber.

The G-S-3000 features:

• Super twin gear triturating and squeezing power, equivalent to 4HP.
• One-step continuous juicing with automatic pulp ejection.
• 110 rpm rotational speed for low heat and noise.
• Reverse turning safety feature.
• Built-in convenience cord storage.
• Carrying handle for easy relocation of the machine.
• Everything included with the Greenstar Juicer 2000, plus a pasta maker (includes pasta screw, pasta guide, and pasta screen), mochi maker, and an accessory rice cake making blank.
• 2 Plungers (1 Wood, 1 Plastic),1 Glass Juicing Bowl, 1 Cleaning Brush, 1 Coarse Screen 1 Fine Screen, Homogenizing Blank Bread Stick/Rice Cake Attachment, and Pasta Making Attachment.

More peas, please!