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Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 8 hours and 28 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: HarperAudio
Audible.com Release Date: October 1, 2013
Whispersync for Voice: Ready
Language: English, English
ASIN: B00EOX20YI
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
I wish I had had this book available 30 or so years ago, when I was wrestling with my mother's nastiness and what my acceptance of it was modeling for my daughter. My instincts did help- but it would have been very supportive to have had the information and perspectives in this book at the time!Most, close to all mothers, do the best they can. Some do not, and for some, the "best they can" is utterly inadequate. This book addresses the daughters of such mothers with both perspective and ways to cope with the reality of our lives- from effectively setting boundaries up through "divorcing" her if nothing else works.Highly recommended for daughters of unloving mothers.
I always seem to be a good candidate for Susan's books. I've read Emotional Blackmail, Toxic In-Laws, and I've already had the chance to skim over Toxic Parents. I was so impatient for this book: Mothers Who Can't Love to come out. How thoroughly relieving that someone dares to challenge the world's greatest taboo: Unloving Mothers. I was born to a woman who should have never been allowed to be a mother. Since cutting off my ties with my mother, I have been urged to reconcile and have been criticized with every line possible. I've heard the "she gave you life" and "honour thy mother". I've been told to try to understand her because of lack of education. I've been told to suck it up because everyone knew how she was. Susan lists all these cliches. The queen mother of all criticism and threats is: "I hope when you have kids, they will not do this to you." Susan understands how hard it is to come to terms with not having a loving mother and how it's even harder to defend your decision from the innumerable people who do not accept it.The first part of her book addresses the many faces of an unloving mother. Mine was the narcissistic mother. Sometimes she could be downright psychotic and abusive. For me however when you have been hit enough, it's only a sheer irritation that my mother thought she could scare me with a belt. Susan gave me such clarity and validation with this section. I was always so confused as to why my mother could occasionally be loving and why everything went down the drain when I found my soulmate. These kinds of mothers don't mind you as long as you do what she wants you to do, as long as she has control over you, and most of all-- as long as you don't become a woman. I no longer feel threatened when my relatives try to remind me of the good times I had with my mother. In a lot of ways, I was no more than a piece of property to her. I was deprived and pruned so that I could one day be given away like property then people would see how amazing and strict she was. Thus, she would gain other people's fear and respect. That was her ambition all along and it didn't sit well with her that I refused to be treated like a trophy. My world came crashing down when I realized her need for fear and respect from a bunch of faceless people meant more to her than my life and happiness. She had no qualms about trying to break me, thinking I would eventually capitulate. Like many unloving mothers, she wreaked havoc on my conscience. I felt horrible for not obeying her commands. I felt so guilty whenever she reminded me of all she did for me. Like many daughters of unloving mothers, you break in another way be it physical illness or in my case: depression.This book also made me aware of how every experience with an unloving mother will mold the way you go through life. I've been on the receiving end of my mother saying: "I wish you were never born" and "You should have died a long time ago"-- all in the same breath. However, her destruction did not start when I fell from grace. The tendency to feel responsible for other people's happiness, feeling guilty if you don't comply with other people's wishes, and chasing approval all steams from how your mother raised you. It was such a shock for me to read that love does not have to be earned. I still remember my bridesmaids' speech during my wedding. They called me loving. They said they loved me. I was speechless and felt that I didn't deserve it. Sure I love my husband but I never expected much of it back. How bizarre it was for me when he was always there for me and took care of me without a second thought. How bizarre it was for me when a friend pointed out that my husband loves me more than how other husbands love their wives.All of these scars and self-punishment were from the way my mother programmed me from birth. No, I will never have a loving mother but that is okay. The notion of the Loving Mother is bade farewell in Susan's book. I learned to say that it's okay. Moreover, I can be a loving mother to myself. And just because I never received the nurture I needed, it doesn't mean that I can't be a loving mother when I have children.Most importantly, my rights are spelled out. I no longer need to feel guilty. It was my right to live my life the way I wanted. It is MY choice whether I want to have my mother in my life. If I am ever urged or criticized again to have my mother in my life, that person will be on the receiving end of some very good non-defensive communication.
My wife’s mother tortures her with her self-centeredness and dependency; however, it is difficult for us to disentangle ourselves from her web of lies, partly because we encounter resistance from family members (wife’s 3 older sisters) who refuse to acknowledge that a mother can have flaws. They prefer to praise the unloving mother, because they desperately yearn for the love that she is incapable of giving, so much so that they are blind to her failure.Dr. Forward’s book cuts through the nonsense that is the notion of the perfect mother and shines a light on the painful cycle of guilt and acquiescence experienced by unloved daughters, a cycle with which I have become sadly familiar.Ladies, Dr. Forward is on your side. We men need more strong voices like Dr. Forward out there advocating for daughters.
I think this book is helpful for learning the different types of abusers, developing some coping strategies, and for moving forward with your life in a healthier way. My mother fit almost every category in the book and the abuse she and my father inflicted on myself and my siblings caused long-standing problems for all of us. Her abusive behavior continued well into my adult years,and I tolerated it, not knowing any better, until I became physically ill and was hospitalized. That was when I first learned she was abusive and I was allowing it to go on! Needless to say, she hasn't been a part of my life for many years now, but the damage was already done. I have been in counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, and have read numerous self-help books, including other books by Dr. Forward. I find her style of writing is easy for me to read and understand and I like her use of personal case stories. There are so many times I read what has happened to someone else and can completely relate because the same thing happened to me! Her suggestions on how to deal with the pain and grief of specific incidents were very helpful. This book was not easy for me to get through because of the emotions some of the exercises unleashed. It took me over 6 months to finish it, but when I did, I felt that I finally had a handle on what had happened to me, both in understanding the whys, and discovering ways to work through the emotional pain. It's been almost as long since I finished the book. I wish I could say that was the end of it, but I don't think you can ever get past that kind of treatment completely. It seems to rear its ugly head at the times you least expect it. At least now I have some tools to put it back in its place.
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